I take a perverse pleasure in reading my Twitter DMs, 99% of which are of the automated variety, looking for the heartfelt sentiment that goes out to me and thousands of other close personal friends every day from people I’ve started following.
I try to imagine the impulses that motivate the writers behind these parsimonious hanging chads of fake individualized attention. Technology is wonderful isn’t it? It allows us to divide the equivalent of a single “Have a nice day” into thousands of infinitesimally smaller investments of effort and goodwill. Automated DMs are like giving a new acquaintance a sliced off sliver of a single piece of mini-Chiclets gum and saying, “There you go. I hope you enjoy that.”
Since I think that automated DMs are about as useful as egg on sand, I like to parse them into snarky categories (these are all actual auto DMs I’ve received). See if you agree with mine. Perhaps you can add some yourself. (No doubt I’ll have fewer readers after this post—“Gosh, what’s his problem?! I’m just trying to spread a little good cheer!”—so I can use all the help I can get.)
The “You’re lucky to know me” category:
- “@ me to follow you if I haven’t already.” Yes, I’ll look into that right away.
- “What do you do?” Okay, so you want to automate the fact that you can’t be bothered learning anything about the people who follow you?
- “If you miss my tweets, you can catch a summary in my monthly newsletter here.” So good you need to send them twice. Thanks.
- “[ ] uses TrueTwit validation service. To validate click here:” Will I need two forms of ID for that?
The “I’m genuinely interested in knowing you more—no really I am” category:
- “Let me know if I can help you in any way.” This is what salespeople say to me at stores. Except I’m usually standing amid consumer electronics or racks of clothing when they say it, so it makes sense. But now I’m on Twitter and I’ve just met you, so what kind of help are we talking about here? Oops, I’ve just invested more attention than he did writing the auto DM. I feel so used.
- “Look forward to learning about your interests.” And yours, and yours, and yours…
The “I’m totally desperate to get some freakin’ cash out of you or anybody else—can you help with that?” category:
- “I’m using this to make money on Twitter, I hope you find it useful.” Thanks a bunch. If I wanted fake Viagra pills I would have stuck to email.
- Looking forward to chatting. Download a free value calculator.” Wow, king of the transition sentence, aren’t we?
- “Here are links to my book, my blog, my company.” Gives new meaning to the phrase “cut to the chase.”
The “I just wanted to let you know that I’m trying to game my follower count” category:
- “Plz help spread the word about me! I wana rise to the top!” Yes, spamming is such a competitive field these days.
The “I’m going to redundantly echo the empty sentiment of the act of sending Auto DMs by repeating that empty sentiment in my message to you” category:
- “Have an awesome day!” But what about tomorrow, and the day after that? I feel so lost.
The “I’m trying to sound humble” category:
- “I clearly see I’m going to learn a great deal from YOU!” Not if you’re auto DMing me.
- “We will do our very best to keep you informed and entertained.” Why do I think this person has won an “excellent attendance” award in the past?
- “Will try to keep it interesting.” Will try? Way to lower those expectations. What about doing your very best—every day! Hey, that’d make a catchy auto DM, don’t you think?
The “I often creep people out” category:
- “I got my eye on you. Thanks for the follow!! If your on Facebook too hit me up!” Cause hitting peeple up on Facebook is what me like to do.
- “Smile, you only have one today!” Cringing, not smiling. And what, I’m only allowed one smile today? I guess when you’re auto DMing smiles you have to ration them carefully.
- “Glad to have you in my Twitstream.” I suddenly get this feeling that I should be ahead of a Twitstream rather than following one.
Related articles
- 4/20/11 – Auto DM = unfollow (1thinglearned.com)
- 5 Things Not to Do on Twitter (lockergnome.com)
- Verdict – Auto DM may equal Twitter suicide (apt-consultant.com)
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